The theme for tonight is ‘little-known or slightly embarrassing passions for unexpected things’, but I don’t think anything I’m into would come as a surprise to anyone who’s glanced at my Twitter or read any of my writing or spoken to me for more than a few minutes. So, instead of something new or surprising, I’m going to talk about something that’s related to what I kind of wrote about in the latest issue of Kill Your Darlings.
For the past five years, I have loved and been obsessed with the Kardashians. Specifically, the E! reality series that made them famous. And that’s ‘series’, plural. If you’re one of the millions of Kardashian-deniers in the world, you might not know that the family’s reality TV empire extends beyond the flagship show Keeping Up With the Kardashians, which is in its 10th season right now.
On her forthcoming debut album, Before We Forgot How to Dream, the wise and immensely talented 18-year-old Northern Irish songwriter SOAK, whose real name is Bridie Monds-Watson, invites us into her world. Here, the future is uncertain, people don’t understand what you’re trying to tell them, and you’re living in a place where you don’t quite belong. But you’re not alone, and you know you won’t be here for long.
I haven’t slept in months. Not since Kim Kardashian told me to hire Simon and Maria. I know they mean well, but their total commitment to making me the biggest star in Hollywood (after Kim, obvi) means that I have no time to think or read or sleep. Definitely no time to sleep. Not when there’s a magazine cover shoot in New York and a billboard advertisement shoot in Punta Mita, Mexico, and a Bollywood movie cameo shoot in New Delhi and a new club opening in London and a mall appearance in Dubai and a runway show in Paris. I’ve bought condos and apartments all over the world, each one filled with expensive, default furnishings and a shiny new car in the garage, but do you think I’ve had a chance to sit in my recliner? When would I have the time to swim in my pool? The only purchase that I’ve actually been able to put to use is my private jet. My husband, A-list model Cooper Davis, occasionally suggests we host parties on the jet, but who has the time? And who would I invite? I have spent so many hours – and so much of my money – taking Cooper on dates all over the world, doing as my publicist Maria says and making sure our pictures appear in the right magazines at the right time, and now all he wants to do is bring his friends along to fly on my jet. If I don’t take him out often enough he calls me and demands a divorce unless I pay for ANOTHER meal at Chateau Nuit. This is all Kim Kardashian’s fault.
Over the weekend, the exclusive first interview with One Direction following the departure of founding member Zayn Malik was published in UK tabloid The Sun. The now-quartet— comprising Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan and Liam Payne—briefly discussed their sadness since learning of Malik's decision to leave, before returning to the subject that's been at the forefront of nearly every one of their interviews, awards acceptance speeches and tweets since they formed five years ago: the fans.